Clerks the Cartoon: Explosive Memories
by Clyde
Summary: My less-talked about Clerks: TAS fic. It's very similar to the Matrix one, it has no real point, I don't think the ending was too good either. Tell me what you think. //FINALLY FINISHED\\
1. Part 1: Little Randal

Clerks: The Cartoon- An Explosive Episode  
  
The following television show is entirely fictitious. Any similarity to the history of any person, living or dead, or to any actual events, is entirely coincidental and unintentional.  
  
Except where specifically noted otherwise in the cast and crew credits, all celebrity voices are impersonated, and no celebrities have endorsed any aspect of this show.  
  
SWM looking for SF. Has deep pleasant voice. Call 180098956. Ask for the basement.  
  
[Cut to a shot of Dante's room. The phone is ringing. A hand reaches out from underneath the usual pile of clothes and answers. There's some talking through the phone. Then Randal rises out from underneath the pile, holding the phone.]  
  
Randal: [Hanging up the phone] Go to work today and open the store this time? Pffh..[ He throws the phone out the window and goes back to sleep]  
  
[Opening theme]  
  
[Dante is sitting at the counter of the Quick Stop, doodling on a pad when a small child bearing a strong resemblance to Randal stumbles in, flipping through a XXX magazine]  
  
Little Randal: Are you Dante?  
  
Dante: [Looking down at Little Randal, nods.] Yeah..  
  
Little Randal: Umm, he told me to ask you, "What are you doing here?"  
  
Dante: Um, kid? Tell him to come here himself if he wants to talk to me.  
  
Little Randal: He told me to tell you that when you say that to say, "If I come to you, I would be abandoning my post at RST, where all the customers are dying to rent quality films like Navy SEALS, and what not. You're always telling me to WORK at the store, so, thus, I am working, or maybe sleeping, but I'm still at the store."  
  
[Dante gives that slightly shocked look, then thinks]  
  
Dante: HEY, WAIT!! It's only 6:30! [Gesturing to his watch] RST doesn't open til 11 o'clock!  
  
[Behind Dante, you can see Randal holding a radio and a piece of paper]  
  
Randal: Randal 2, ABORT MISSION. Five bucks will be given to you at noon.  
  
Little Randal: Well.I gotta go now..BYE! [Runs out of the store]  
  
"About Four Hours Later.."  
  
Randal: [walks into the store] Good morning..[he takes some beef jerky and starts eating] Give me 5 bucks.  
  
Dante: [looks suspicious] What for?  
  
Randal: Um, 'cause I want it? [Holds his hand out for a bill]  
  
Dante: Randal, do you remember the LAST time you said, "because you want it"?  
  
Randal: Oh yeah.  
  
[The screen gets wavy as they have a flashback]  
  
[Randal is dressed like a scientist, and he's brewing a chemical.]  
  
Randal: Dante, I need 5 dollars to finish my groundbreaking experiment.  
  
[Dante's messing with the chemicals, wearing a dunce cap, in a diaper]  
  
Dante: I have 5 bucks, but I won't give it to you 'cause , I'm the biggest idiot ever! [hands Randal a bill and chemicals explode]  
  
[Screen gets wavy again and we return to the Quick Stop]  
  
Dante: Do you have some sort of thing with making me sound like that? That's not at all what happened- you failed chemistry!  
  
Randal: I told you before you couldn't handle the heart-shattering truth.  
  
Dante: Do you even remember what actually happened?  
  
[Randal shakes his head and the screen gets wavy.]  
  
[Dante's car is on fire, and Randal is frantically searching for an extinguisher.]  
  
Randal: [Runs inside the store] Dante, give me five bucks.. QUICK! [Dante hands him the money and Randal runs to the back of the store]  
  
[He looks at two cans: one marked "Extinguisher" and one marked "Gas-highly volatile". Randal grabs the gas can, throws the five on the counter, and runs to the burning car. An explosion is heard just when the screen gets wavy again.]  
  
Randal: No wonder I failed chemistry. [opens a bottle of soda]  
  
Dante: Not only did you destroy my car, you had me fake my death so I would get compensation for the car YOU destroyed!  
  
[Cut to a shot of Randal throwing a dummy dressed like Dante off a cliff.]  
  
Randal: Yeah, so?  
  
[Dante groans and buries his head in the counter.]  
  
Randal: Hmm. That makes me think of that kid in the helmet.[Laughs a little]  
  
Dante: What does the kid in the helmet have anything to do with your chemistry?  
  
Randal: He was in the explosion. That's why he wears a helmet now.  
  
Dante: [He groans] Why don't you open the video store?  
  
Randal: I would, but since you just refused me five bucks, and tried to make me open the store, I won't until both situations are rectified.  
  
Dante: Speaking of opening the store, do you have any nephews, by any chance?  
  
Randal: Yeah, a couple, why?  
  
Dante: 'Cause some kid came in the store saying stuff that you would've said.  
  
Randal: [feigns idiocy] I have no idea what that's about.  
  
[Jay and Silent Bob enter the store here, Jay is carrying a helmet around, and Silent Bob is wearing a bigger coat than usual today]  
  
Jay: Yo, Clerks, did you hear what happened?  
  
Randal: [not paying attention] Go away, Burn Boy.  
  
Dante: What happened?  
  
Jay: Some big guy with a hat and a old guy are gonna try to buy this cheap joint.  
  
Randal: Tell Oddjob and Lex Luthor to take their business elsewhere, and enter the porn industry, like everyone else..[flips through an Asian porn magazine]  
  
Dante: Randal, he's talking about Leonardo Leonardo and that guy with him that you think is a robot..Plug, I think his name is.  
  
Randal: He IS a robot, Dante! He IS!  
  
Dante: Whatever.. [While they were talking, Silent Bob was shoving things inside his jacket and that helmet] Hey, wait a minute! [Jay and Bob smile innocently] Did you say he was gonna buy the Quick Stop?  
  
Jay: Yeah, I think..[Looks at Silent Bob] Did I say that? [Silent Bob nods.]  
  
[Jay and Silent Bob leave the store, Jay giving them the horns as they leave. Dante gives a stressed look and we fade to commerical.] 


	2. Part 2: Attempted Murder and Randal's pl...

[We return from commercial with a close-up of Randal, and he has a scared expression on his face.  
  
Dark music plays in the background and the background is dark.]  
  
Randal: NO! NO! Get it away!  
  
[He backs away from what he sees, screaming. The music suddenly turns off with a scratch  
  
noise and the camera turns to show Dante holding the keys to the video store.]  
  
Dante: What is wrong with you?  
  
Randal: Uhh..[picks up a banana] I don't have any vitamins in me! [Dante grabs him by the wrist and begins to drag Randal out the door. Randal is having a tantrum and screaming the way out.] NOOOO! THE NEW NAVY SEALS VIDEO CAME IN! NOOOOOOOOO! [While Dante throws him in the store, Jay and Silent Bob run in and steal a bunch of stuff.]  
  
[We now see Leonardo Leonardo's office, he is leaning on his poorly assembled Ikea desk. Plug is nearby, dusting off things, not something a publicist robot enjoys to do.]  
  
Leonardo: Plug, why didn't I think of this before!? I can BUY the Quick Stop! [He begins laughing maniacally, with evil music in the background. He pauses laughing for a minute, and the music scratches off. He looks out the window. ] Wait.. WHY didn't I do this before? [Plug and him both look toward the camera.] Oh well..[He begins laughing maniacally again, the camera fades out and we see Randal at the RST counter, drawing on a piece of paper. Dante walks in right when Randal finishes.]  
  
Randal: Ah..Dante, I am a genius! I have formulated the PERFECT plan to stop Leonardo from buying the store. [He hands the paper to Dante and Dante scans over it. It's a stick figure drawing of Randal, with "genius" clothes on, hitting Leonardo with a frying pan. Stick figure Dante is sitting in a wheelchair, playing checkers with Plug. The caption under Dante reads: "Biggest Idiot Ever".]  
  
Dante: I can't even find the words.  
  
Randal: Hey, it's better than that time I tried to assassinate Ted Danson!  
  
[We fade to a memory. Randal is in the third floor of a building, assembling a rifle, he aims out the window and fires three shots.]  
  
People in the street: SOMEONE SHOT TREY PARKER! SCATTER!!  
  
[We return to RST.]  
  
Dante: I still don't understand how you mistook Trey Parker for Ted Danson!  
  
Randal: Hey, they're both annoying. [Dante nods in agreement.]  
  
Dante: So, what are we going to do?  
  
Randal: [Turns on a video] Eh. Can it wait? I'm trying to watch Empire.  
  
Dante: Spread the love, Randal.  
  
[Dante sighs, Mooby walks on and hugs him, Dante stares, but Randal doesn't, and we fade commerical. 


	3. Part 3: A Moobylution!

[We return from commercial with Leonardo Leonardo at a big podium on a stage in front of the Quick Stop. The banner above the podium reads, "QUICK STOP BUYING DAY".]  
  
Leonardo: Simple folk of Leonardo, I shall purchase the block of stores today and continue my evil plans!  
  
[For some reason, the people in the crowd rejoice and cheer. But our two clerks are not rejoicing in the crowd. Jay and Silent Bob can be seen from behind the podium, smoking and playing with something we can't see.] I shall sign on this dotted line and the Quick Stop shall be mine! HAHAHA!! [The crowd cheers again when we see a horned calf helmet hit Leonardo on the head, Leonardo falls. Mooby climbs up on the stage.]  
  
Mooby: NO! We shall not lose the Quick Stop! NEVER! [He thrusts his fist into the air.]  
  
Dante: Why is Mooby still here? [Randal shrugs and stands up on a nearby soapbox.]  
  
Randal: That cartoon calf is right! Don't you people want to stay free? Don't you people want to ask retarded questions that you can so easily answer?! HUH!? [The crowd is silent and someone coughs. In this time, Leonardo recovers and gets up, getting ready to sign.]  
  
Leonardo: AND WITH THIS SIGNATURE, THE CLERKS WILL BELONG TO ME!!! [He starts to sign when a monkey jumps on Leonardo from behind the stage and pulls him off.]  
  
Randal: Patient Zero? [Dante rolls his eyes and hops up on the stage.]  
  
Dante: The Quick Stop shall remain free! Like the time I went to see Episode One with Randal…[The screen gets wavy as we have a flashback. Randal and Dante are watching the movie.]  
  
Randal: TAKE IT OFF, QUEENIE!!  
  
Dante: I PAID FOR THIS!?! UGH!! [They both get up and walk into another theater- "What Women Want" (which is showing two years early for some reason.) DUN DUN DUN!]  
  
Randal: Who wants to keep the block of stores? Like you, Steve-Dave! Who helped you find Batman & Robin for you?  
  
Steve-Dave: Well, it was the guys at the Big Choice.  
  
Randal: RIGHT! And you, Mrs. Corin! Who helped you assemble you car when Dante blew it up?!  
  
Mrs. Corin: The mechanic that used to be across the street from this block of stores.  
  
Dante: EXACTLY!! And Randal! Who got you that first aid kit when you tried to fly off the roof of the store?  
  
Randal: Burnboy did!! [Jay appears next to him.]  
  
Dante: NO! IT WAS ME!  
  
Randal: Oh yeah.. Burnboy was the one that told me I could fly! [Jay slinks away, putting Silent Bob in his place.]  
  
Mooby: Let's keep the little guys! Viva La Moobylution!! [Mooby ties up LL with a microphone wire and drags him back to the tower that looks like a 'big bong'.]  
  
Randal: YEAH!! WE KEEP OUR..Crappy jobs..whoo..[Crowd cheers anyway.]  
  
Dante: This was one of our longest adventures ever, I feel like this won't be interrupted- [End Segment- "Computers with Jay and Silent Bob"]  
  
[Two kids are siting at a computer, playing a game with computer Dante and Randal.]  
  
Kid 1: I beat this game already. We need a new one.  
  
Jay: Hey, kids!  
  
Kid 2: Hey! It's Jay and Tons of Fun!!  
  
Silent Bob: Actually, that's Silent Bob.  
  
Charles Barkley: You tell him, Bob!  
  
Jay: Didn't that "Science Says" beating teach you anything!?  
  
Charles Barkley: Y-yes…[Slinks off, afraid.]  
  
Jay: Anyways, kids, I got something better than computer games to show you. Silent Bob, punch it up!  
  
[Silent Bob starts typing on the computer for a few seconds, then something we can't see appears on the screen.]  
  
Kid 1: WOW! I didn't think that could fit there!!  
  
Kid 2: YEAH!! Thanks Jay, Thanks Silent Bob!  
  
Jay: Sure thing. And remember..  
  
Silent Bob: Always search for the best stuff.  
  
Jay: What!? You can search for better stuff?  
  
Silent Bob: No, I'm just saying that because the author is padding and he can't think of anything else.  
  
Jay: What auth- [End credits.]  
  
[Author's notes: Ok, folks, the ending was messed up because I really ran out of ideas. And what the kids saw on the computer can be left to the imagination. Please tell me if I should write another one, ok?] 


End file.
